Page 1 of 1 Gene Kico From: “BiIIP” To: ; Sent: Sunday, July 24,200512:19 PM Subject: Redneck Challenge Dy this one out. Sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South? Challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam. C — - 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) ‘65 Ford Fairlane (B) ‘69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or (C) ‘64 Pontiac GTO. 3~ If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 10,000 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5~ A front porch is constructed of 2” x 8” pine on 24” centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed? 6. Aman owns a Tennessee house and 3,7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his &own children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? 7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle ‘with a muffler? 8. With a gene pool reduction of of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Ipterstate to breed a country-western singer? I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn’t ya? It’s okay if’ n ya didn’t do all that well. Just goes to show ya.... There’s a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don’t prepare ya for in this life, As an added bonus for taking the “REDNECK CHALLENGE”, hem’s some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece .J2-fl~---—-- — f~ext time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, .btch a ride home with them. ______ -..- 7/25/2005 Page 1 of3 Gene Kico From: “Gene KIco” cgmklco@chartermi.net> To: “Gene KIco” Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 11:48AM Subject: Fw: Jeff Foxworthy-You Might live in Michigan >Are you aware that this guy is now picking on Michigan ? >Read on. (pretty funny and accurate)> >Subject: Michigan >Part 1 - Jeff Foxworthy’s view of Michigan >If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of Ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan >If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in >Michigan >11 your local DaIry Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan >If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan >If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you >might live in Michigan >0 your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan >If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live In Michigan >If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan >If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan >Part 2 - You know you’re a true MICHIGANIAN when >1. ~Vacation” means going up north on 1-75. >2. You measure distance in hours. >3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. > 1/25/2006 - Page2of3 >4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day. > >5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. > >6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). > >7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. > >8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use > them. > >9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. > >10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. > >11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. > >12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. > >13. Your idea of creative landscaping Is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. > >14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. > >15. Down South to you means Ohio > >16. A brat is something you eat. > >17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn. > >18. You go out to fish fry every Friday. > >19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. > >20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. > >21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.” > >22. You drink pop and bake with soda. > >23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine. > >24. You know what a Yooper is. > >25. You think owning a Honda Is Un American.> > >26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction > >27. You know it’s possible to live in a thumb. > >28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. > >29. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends. 1/25/2006 WHY WE LOVE KIDS 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. You did WHAT? ! ?“ the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later “Da-ad....” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you! !“ Five minutes later “Daaaa-aaaad ““WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?” I An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!” f 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.” 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.” 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?” 7. A little boy was doing his math homework, He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infhriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.” 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.” 10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?” 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.” Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!! Page 1 of3 Gene Kico From: “James R. Spalding” To: “KIco Gene” cgklco©coldwellbanker.com>; “Martin Donna & Dave” ; “Patrick Mary” ‘ccharleel@netscape.com> Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 8:32 AM Subject: FW: The following is reported by a person who has been a travel agent for thirty years.- At first, it is funny, but these are from congressmen, senators and aids From: richard koppe [mailto:richardkoppe@yahoo.com) Sent: Sunday, January 22, 2006 9:22 AM To: Angela Next Door Neighbor Subject: The following Is reported by a person who has been a travel agent for thirty years.- At first, it is funny, but these are from congressmen, senators and aids At first it is funny, but these questions and stories are a as a result from dealing with congressmen/women, senators, and their staff/aides. Cheers, Richard The following is reported by a person who has been a travel agent for thirty years. ** * **** * * * ****** * I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on her plane so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. ** *** * *** * * 4’ **** I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, but she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa,” Her response: click! ** *** * *** * ** * *** ** * * A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!” * ****** * * * * I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.” ** ** * ** * * * *** * * * An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas, When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1/27/2006 Page 2 of 3 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time.” An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! * ** * * ** * **** * * * *** * * A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. * *** * *** ***** * * A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?” * **** **** * * ** Ijust got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.” ** * ** ** * * * A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever!” A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!” 1/27/2006 t — Page 3 of3 * *** **** ** * ** * * A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York,” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t fmd a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal,” she said. Now you know why Government is in the shape that it’s in!!!! Scary, isn’t it? 1/27/2006